Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
