i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
