dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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