I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
