How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
