And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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