I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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