That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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