I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
