I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
