glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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