I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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