Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
im on a boat
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