I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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