I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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