drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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