Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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