I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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