She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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