I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
