I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he puts the penis in happiness.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
