I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I am one with the molecules
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
