Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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