Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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