I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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