Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
