i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
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I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
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After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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