Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
