I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
