I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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