I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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