Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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