Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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