You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
