she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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