im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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