I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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