he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
