life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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