Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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