im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
