The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.