a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.