remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.