I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
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I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
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We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.