I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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