Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
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