That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
