so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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