She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
this is an emotional support booty call
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
