No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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