Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
