Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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