I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
