A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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